Forgotten

Desperate screams echo off of the cold walls,
Bringing me to life,
A life I don’t know,
A life I don’t remember.
Realizing the screams are my own,
I collapse to the harsh concrete floor,
Sobs racking my body,
Continually rocking.
This room is empty.
There is nothing here.
No windows, no doors.
No nothing.
Harsh light from a single cold light bulb,
High above my head,
Swings back and forth, softly,
Illuminating my prison.
I feel so dead inside.
How I got here…
I have no idea, no thought process.
I can’t even remember my name!
Who am I?
Manic now with this disturbing thought.
I have no past, no future.
Possibly no present.
Is this even real?
Am I even real?
Losing myself completely in the emptiness,
I throw myself into my self-proclaimed darkness.
My imaginary world, no existence.
So many delirious thoughts occupy my time,
My mind.
And now I’m crying once more,
Rocking back and forth in the corner.
That place I could once go to,
To escape to,
Is now gone.
Locked away completely.
I know now where I am and how I got here.
I’m in my own mind,
Locked so deep inside that I’ll never find my way out.
I’ve trapped myself.
These cold dead walls that bind me…
These are the walls of my mind.
My mind explodes with my piercing screams.
It won’t ever stop.
Slapping the walls, the ceiling, the floor.
This hell has become a dream,
A reality.
Protecting myself from my own demons,
My own fears,
This is how I got here.
The world outside no longer exists.
There is no time.
No time.
Never.
Nothing.
It just keeps going.
Just keeps echoing.
No!
I’m grabbing my head, crushing my skull with my bare hands.
It does nothing because this is not me,
Not my real body.
Because here,
Nothing exists.
I can’t hurt myself physically,
Only emotionally.
But isn’t that how I ended up here to begin with?
So many questions with so many nonexistent answers.
There is no reason.
I’ve been left here to think my own irrational,
Crazed
Nonexistent
Thoughts.
Did I die?
If I’m dead,
Is this hell?
And if this isn’t death,
Then what is it?
The pungent smell of my own decaying thoughts,
Brutally attacking with the intent of
Killing.
Such evil lurks in these nonexistent corners.
There are no colors.
What are colors like?
I can’t remember.
My mind detaches itself,
Connecting with a forgotten memory,
The memory of the bright blue, open sky.
The warm sun shining down on the glistening, glittering snow,
Such a cold sunny day.
Winter,
Such a beautiful thing,
Outside my window,
Showing me the world outside.
It seems so gentle and clean,
And my pen is gliding across clean paper.
So clean and unsmuged by my insanity.
That world seems so gentle…
But that world doesn’t exist.
Black concrete walls surround me once more.
Forever more.
Never more.
For never.
Sleep never comes,
And my darkness comes for me.
Shadows gathering in every corner,
Swirling and surrounding me.
Blackest of my darkest dreams,
The monster had a hold of me.
The monster is me.
It’s not real,
I’m not real.
Nothing is real but the awful pain.
My pain takes over and controls me so completely.
So completely.
Drowning in self pity,
Drowning in disgusting self hate.
Why does it have to be this way?
The walls of my mind surround and bind me,
I’m a prisoner to my own scary thoughts.
Never thought that this would happen.
Never thought I’d lose my mind.
Ghostly images of deadly thoughts,
So immoral,
So sinister.
So completely over.
Every thought I have is washed away by another rush of traumatizing thoughts.
I wonder what’s going on outside,
What’s happening beyond these concrete walls.
Have they even noticed?
Do they even care?
Are they relieved,
Even satisfied?
Oh God how these thoughts terrify.
This room is a prison,
A trap for my worst possible thoughts.
The worst of memories come flooding back,
I’ll never forget.
My worst nights ever,
Repeated over and over.
Crying in the corner of my mind,
Remembering shadowed nights,
So much like this consistency.
The screaming and the truths,
The lies as well.
None of it makes sense,
Yet it does more than ever.
My final thought is forever.
My final thought never comes.
This dreary time is spent,
This dreary life is over.
Never over.
Not completely.
There was never light.
It was never here.