Confessional

October 23, 2006  Monday

Disorder. Confusion. Disaster.
I think I’ve finally hit rock bottom.

This is the thought that I have sitting here in this godforsaken building. I feel like I’m losing control and I don’t even know why. I feel like I’m losing him and I don’t even know how. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to die. I just want to forget, I don’t want to feel. I want to erase these tainted memories that lead me on. The innocence of my youth that I once took for granted. I want it back.

I can’t do anything, I can’t concentrate with my thoughts racing like this. The garrulous voices in the room rise and fall, overlapping in my head over and over until I want kill them, make it stop. I think I’m losing my mind.

Every thought that I have about it…. Every time I let my thoughts wander in that direction… I don’t even know. Could it be true? Or am I just delusional? Is it fake, is it true? Is it my intuition trying to save myself again, or am I just paranoid?

Paranoid. I’ve been there before, and I hated it. I always thought I just might be wrong, but I always turned out right. And it was always for the worst. Is that the case now? I would like to hope that it isn’t. If it were true… If I really am right….

I don’t know if I’ll be able to deal with it. I can’t conquer myself and my mind enough to control my heart and that scares me. I’m so afraid. When I close my eyes, the images won’t go away. No sound or distraction can persuade my thoughts to change.

I want this to end and I want it to go back to how it used to be. I yearn for the nights that I felt safe and reassured. But those have been replaced by the restless nights filled with nightmares and endless dreams of hate.

I want to go back to my hopeful thoughts of a life that now seems so far away.

I can’t sleep.
I’m still waiting.
I can’t think.
I can’t eat.
I hate this.
When will it all end?

Just kill me now and save me the misery. It’s not worth the thought or pain. I’m not worth it. I guess I’m worthless.

Is this depression or have I lost my mind? Writing this down is the only thing that can calm me down.

I breathe…

But it doesn’t help.

I have the chills and yet I can’t stop sweating. Am I dying? No, it’s not that easy. It never is.

I know this doesn’t make any sense to you, but I don’t care. It’s not meant to be read and understood. It was simply meant for me to get some peace of mind. But I fear that I’ve lost it. I don’t even know what this means anymore. But in reality I do. I just wish I could forget. It only plagues me.

I want to forget…